I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize