I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
