Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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