I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
