she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
