I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
