i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
