I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
