she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
