Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
