you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
he puts the penis in happiness.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
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