I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
