Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
