moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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