i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
