It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
handjob tips. give me some.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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