When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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