I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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