I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
