first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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