This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I think I have vodka in my lungs
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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