he wants to bone in the snuggie
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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