Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
this is an emotional support booty call
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
