At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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