clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
