Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
