the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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