Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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