I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
