Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
