I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
My liver just had a heart attack.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
