I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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