Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
