i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
