have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
