If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
