This is not my ceiling
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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