all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
