You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
