I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
