I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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