wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize
