you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Randomize
