I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
