well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
