I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
