I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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