Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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