I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
