I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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