One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
it wasn't lemon gatorade
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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