Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
