my sisters under your porch take her home
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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