I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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