I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Randomize
