So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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