A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
