I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
