i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
